No I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth or carelessly broken my vow to update regularly. The truth is that P has been up here visiting me since last Friday and only left this morning at 5AM. I only get to see him every so often so blogging time had to be replaced with P time, and I'm not sorry for it.
Now... where was I? You've met DQ and got a glimpse of my messed up head. Since it was P time this past week I guess it's only fair to devote this blog to my dear P.
I have a lot of great things to say about P, after all we've been together for over 4 years now and I've known him for over 5. We've had our ups and downs, and our relationship today is nothing at all like our first year together - in a positive way. We've had our breaks too - out of the five and change years that I've known him we were on non-speaking terms for a sum total of seven months. Well, here's the short version of the story of me and P...
I met him playing basketball in the park. Actually, my best friend DQ met him playing basketball and was telling me about what an asshole he was for teasing her. At the same time, she was intrigued and wouldn't stop talking about him for a long time and wanted me to go to the park with her to meet him (she went on a regular basis because she used to play ball for a team). So I went - I used to play ball too. This was around the end of May, so summer was just about to begin and that summer was going to be one hell of a drama for the three of us... If you've seen enough teenage dramas, you already know where this is all going.
I was the shy, quiet type and I was also pretty damn small and skinny for my age. No curves, no femininity.... and braces (a late bloomer by all measures). My friend DQ on the other hand, looked about 5 years older than she really was, had gotten her braces off years ago and had a nice set of curves on her, quite an ass, and was pretty as hell. Stereotypically though, DQ can be a little bit 'spacey', slow even. She's got wit and she's a great person, but there's something about her that's a bit off when it comes to interacting with others and catching on to common sense.
The summer started off with P hitting on DQ in a major way - they exchaned numbers and screennames and started chatting up online and on the phone. I played the sidekick role and served as a means for P to find out more about DQ while DQ gushed over him to me, delibirating whether dating him was a good idea or not. I didn't mind one bit - I was pretty indifferent about the guy. He would IM me often for the duration of this flirtation and ask about DQs personality and history, joke around about guys at the park, and pretend to try to "hook me up" with various characters he knew, including his own brothers. The more he talked to me though, the more personal were his questions...
By the time DQ made up her mind and decided she really liked P, he no longer seemed interested. He told me online that he didn't think they would work out anyway, that they were too different, even that she was too immature. DQ, however, continued to have a serious crush on him and it only intensified with the apparent lack of interest on his part (who doesn't love a challenge?) I continued to speak to him online and somewhere along the line he started complimenting me more and more and during one of our conversations he asked me to call him so that we could talk about his cousin who he wanted me to meet.
At this point let me stop and say, Yes I should have known better! But come on, I was a naive, giddy teenager with no relationship experience whatsoever. The closest I had to a boyfriend by this time was a two week summer thing at a sleepaway camp when I was 12 (though almost 13). We held hands awkwardly and hid away during free time to kiss stealthily. Yea, that was pretty much it. I've kissed other guys since then, but only in games of truth or dare and spin the bottle. I had a couple of dates that went awkwardly and didn't amount to anything. I was pretty much a newbie to dating and guys in general. So talking to this older guy was fun for me, and the fact that he paid me enough attention to want to talk about hooking me up with other guys was even more fun.
So I called him. We spoke for a long time, and as you may have guessed his cousin was not the topic of conversation. He was charming and witty, he complimented me and told me how mature and smart I was. He cracked jokes and made me smile. Then he asked me out. I did the only sensible thing I could do and politely told him no, that my best friend still had a crush on him, and that it wouldn't be appropriate. (Besides, I didn't really think of him that way... yet). He continued coaxing me and playing the role of this slain man who just couldn't move on not knowing whether things could have been different. He even wrote me this poem (and I still have it after all these years):
There are miles between us,
Yet you feel so near.
Insults and rejection
Are what I fear.
To hold you, to love you, this is what I want
This is true
How to approach you, to talk to you
I'm yet to figure out how to do.
You're so beautiful, so wonderful
So full of perfectness.
To have you glimpse at me, smile at me
Sends my world into an utter bliss.
The black and white issue
Should never hold us back.
Open-mindedness and acceptance
Is what society lacks.
Would you be willing to be with me
Although I'm black?
And subject to ridicule
And racial attacks?
Put the pieces of the puzzle together
And find out what I'm about.
But don't start something
You're not willing to carry out.
My heart is vulnerable
And yearns for you.
My anxiety and patience
Wonders what you're going to do
Are you going to accept me, feel me,
Give me the time of day?
Is this the right path, right route,
Is this the right of way?
If no, say nothing
And this is the last poem you'll receive.
My longing for you doesn't end with this poem,
This you can believe.
I don't expect you to say yes,
To get involved with an older man.
But if you do, look around~
I'll be there to love you
All that I can.
Yes I was charmed and giddy. It was very exciting and at the same time I didn't really know what to do. It would hurt my friend terribly if she knew that the guy she was infatuated with was trying to talk to her best friend. I thought it might be better if I waited until she didn't like him anymore to tell her that he had tried to hit on me (afterall, crushes came and went at this stage of our lives). So I pretended that I disliked him. It was so believable that she would sometimes go to great lengths to try to convince me that he was a good guy and that I should really give him a break.
Well, it worked. I don't think it was her coaxing that worked of course, but his. Eventually I gave in and started flirting back. A couple of times we met up secretely and hung out at the park by ourselves or went to the mall. Remember though, I was very inexperienced so this flirty relationship we had was pretty much all it was - flirting. We didn't really kiss, we didn't hold hands. He never even put me in a situation where we'd be able to kiss and he only asked for kisses when there was no way I could give them to him (like while we were in the park and everyone else was there). He didn't ever ask for kisses when we were alone....
This is getting long, I'll have to continue next time ;)