Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Crossroads... What the hell do I do?

I'm an ambivalent 20 year old with pipe dreams. I know this, my boyfriend of over 5 years knows this, and it's about time a decision is made. Sometimes it's obvious to me what the decision must be, but other times I'm scared to death that I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. I'm in love with P and he's in love with me, but we're not in fantasy land anymore. This isn't the first month or the first year. This is the real thing. Either I give up my pipe-dreams and commit my whole life to P, or... I don't.

It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.

This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.

As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.