Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Finishers Formula - HELP

I'm afraid to ask for help.  I already feel like an outsider/imposter because I'm a female in a male dominated field (software development).  When I'm just getting started learning something new or tackling a new project, I waste a TON of time researching and poking around on my own instead of just asking basic questions of people who already know about the topic.  I'm a complete introvert to begin with, so initiating contact with other people is a barrier within itself for me.  On top of that I create new barriers for myself by viewing it through the lens of the sole female developer asking the guys for help.  I'm also afraid that if someone helps me out and I don't follow through on whatever it is I'm working on, then I will have let down the person who took the time to help me.  I'm FULLY aware how ridiculous it is, but I still haven't gotten over that barrier on a consistent basis.

I was taking an online graduate level computer science class where my final project was meant to bring together a few new technologies that I had never worked with before. Instead of asking for help with some basics of getting going on the project on the listserv of these technologies, I just procrastinated not knowing where to start.  I procrastinated so much, that I didn't complete my final project, and didn't get credit for the course, even though I had been doing really well in the class up to that point (with a full time job and a small child).  I was very disappointed in myself, having worked so hard (investing precious time and money!) to make progress in the course, just to fail on the very last step.

How do you rebuild trust in yourself?
Basically I'm in a rut where I don't trust myself to finish what I start, therefore I'm wary of getting anyone else involved in my projects, whether as accountability partners, thought partners, or even just sounding boards.  I don't want to tell anyone that I'm working on changing something about myself or that I'm working on a side project because I'm afraid of the (mental) consequences if I, yet again, don't follow through.

So I can't break out of this cycle: 
Past failure to follow up --> afraid to ask for help so as to not let someone down due to lack of follow up --> not asking for help causes project to stall/fail --> creates another data point for "not finishing what you start/not following up" --> causes even more fear to ask for help in the future.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

No Book!

"No book!"  He throws the book on the couch.
"No airplane!"  He knocks the toy plane off the table.
"No!"  He swings his arms wildly attempting to hit something, someone, anyone in the way.
And he's not even in a bad mood; Just his usual response to a suggestion to do something he doesn't feel like doing.  The suggestion was for a book, but the plane and any other bystanders are all just collateral damage in his short-lived, but extremely typical outburst.
He's 2 yrs 2months old - so yes, I guess you can say it's terrible twos.  But I don't want to just write it off as typical behavior, because I don't want to become complacent.  I want to make sure that when it's time for him to start school, he will be ready; socially, emotionally ready.
I don't get to objectively observe him for long periods of time as much as I would like - mostly just on the weekends.  Well, who are we kidding?  I don't ever "objectively" observe him.  How can anyone ever be objective about their own child?  So the best I can do is write down my notes about the happenings of late, with the hopes that it will help me take a step back at times and re-asses if I'm doing the best that I can to help my child learn about himself and the environment and how he can best achieve what he wants in life.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I'm jinxing myself as I write this, BUT - Cloud has gone to sleep for the last 3 nights without needing me to stand over his crib.  No more standing there,  with my arm in the crib, afraid to move a muscle for fear of waking him as he starts to doze off.

Also! We may be applying to Montessori sometime very soon.  I may be insane for trying this, given that Cloud is NOT an example of peace, focus, concentration, and quiet.  But god damn it, I'm willing to give it a shot and I just hope the teachers are willing to work with him.  He's highly distractable and I'm hoping the peaceful atmosphere will help him concentrate.

Though now that I think about it, complete and utter quiet actually makes it really hard for me personally to concentrate, and in many ways he's a lot like me.  Except that I was not nearly as hyperactive as he seems to be at times.  Aaaaahhh.  I hope it works out.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Cloud flies home from Miami

I figure now is as good time as any to start writing down Cloud's various tantrums, destructions, and other fun behaviors (oh yea and some of his good moments too).  So what if it's already been two years since he was born?  Better late than never.

We were in Miami over the last two weeks, which left lots of time for me to ..ahem..  "observe" Cloud in his natural state.  Sad, I know - it takes a vacation for me to really get to know my son.

Moving on.

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of flying back from Miami - which we cleverly planned for Cloud's nap time (original departure time was 11:45, we actually left at 12:30, which is typically what time Cloud falls asleep for his nap).  But Cloud had other plans.  He woke up bright and early that morning - 5:45am.  He then proceeded to fall asleep in the car at 9:00am as we were getting ready to leave for the airport, and slept just long enough to completely screw up his normal nap time and yet still remain quite cranky.

During the 3 hour flight, he slept for exactly 0 seconds and spent exactly 3 hours screaming and kicking the chair in front of him.  As the plane landed and began making its way to the gate, I turned to Cloud's dad (P) and joked - wouldn't it be funny if Cloud fell asleep by the time the airplane doors opened, now that we were on the ground?  And *poof*, that's exactly what happened.  In the 3 minutes we were driving along on the ground to the gate, he finally conked out.  P proceeded to punch Cloud in the jaw out of spite, and I can't say I blamed him.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Talking to Myself

Note to future-self:
Once you ACTUALLY start thinking and working on that paper you've been putting off - it's interesting! The actual process of writing the paper and finding the info and putting it all together is NOT boring, it's NOT annoying, it's NOT hard and lame. Why are you putting off starting? There's nothing difficult about this process and nothing worth being anxious about. God, stop procrastinating.

A note from your past-self that's currently in the middle of writing a paper that's turning out to be so awesomely fun. The only sucky part is that your past-past self procrastinated way too long and now I have to RUSH through this process because the paper is due tomorrow!! Future-self, unless you really want to screw over your future-future-self, you should start doing that thing that you've been procrastinating on. Start NOW. Do it Now! Start coding up that project! Work on your project report. RIGHT NOW. Stop reading Charlie Sheen quotes and DO IT NOW!

Monday, November 16, 2009

So last week I had to work on Saturday (was in by 7:45am, on a Saturday!), and then had a realllly long baby shower that same day after driving for an hour and a half from CT to Brooklyn. By the time I got to sleep it was waaaay past my bedtime!

And then P got the flu and couldn't move on Sunday morning. So I stayed late by P's house on Sunday night to take care of him and then I wound up driving back up to work at 5AM on Monday morning. Not a huge deal, I used to do this all the time. Of course being 7 months pregnant takes it's toll, and I was already sleep deprived from not getting to catch up on my sleep over the weekend, but I managed.

I get to work on Monday and find out that I need to attend a half day long meeting in Manhattan the next day. Fine, no big deal... At least I get to check in on P and see how he's feeling.
So I drive back down that same night, even though I'm exhausted from not having slept well the night before. I get up bright and early at 6:30am the next morning, trudge over to Manhattan for the stupid meeting, then trudge back to Brooklyn to get my car, and drive right back up to CT to get back to work after the meeting. Awesome.

Since P is still sick, he misses his classes (and an exam) on Tuesday, so he drives up to CT so that we can study together for his re-examination on Wed or Thu. Of course after not having slept well for quite a few nights now, I'm tired as hell, but we do what we can before I fall asleep.
Wednesday is uneventful, except for me being exhausted. I come home while P is still here. Was hoping I'd get in really early, but an issue at work makes me have to stay longer right about the time I was ready to head out the door. Not so good. I need sleep!
We eat, do some more studying, and P heads back down to Brooklyn so he can take his exam on Thu.

Thursday rolls around. P takes his exam and drives back UP to CT so that we can meet with our doula that night. Doula is late, and I'm almost ecstatic thinking she might not make it and maybe I can get some sleep! No such luck, she makes it.

Ok... no problem, I have Friday off for my prenatal appointment, surely I can get some rest. Plus I've been real lucky - Corey's been real sick all week and I haven't even got the sniffles even though I've been with him every single day!

The Friday appointment is early, so I get up by 6:45am so that we can leave by 7:30 to make the 45 minute drive over to the birth center. Shit, I wake up and my throat is all tingly. Not a good sign. P, of course, gets up at 7:20. Gets out of the shower at 7:40. We don't leave until 8:05am - CRAP. So I call them up telling them I'm running late. Of course, the midwife has another appointment scheduled after mine so there's no way I can just show up 20 mins late. They reschedule me for 11:30am instead and we drive back home.

Ok, a shitty start to my day off from work, but at least I can get some laundry done while we wait for my new appointment time right?

I gather all my stuff, thinking it's a weekday and early in the morning, so it should be completely empty down there. WRONG. All the washers are taken. Awesome.
I bring the laundry back upstairs, leaving it in the basket and leaving my laundry card in my pants pocket, thinking I'll just go down there again a little later.

Wow this is getting long so let me do the quick version of the rest of my weekend - I lose my laundry card, I get the H1N1 vaccine, I get really sick. I sleep all day Friday and get no cleaning or laundry done because I'm so sick. Then Friday night we drive to Brooklyn AGAIN for some tapings P had to do (don't ask). We go to bed at 2:30am, and up at 5:30 AM because I have to drive back to the birth center on saturday morning for breastfeeding class and since I have people coming over I also needed to clean the place up.

The only good part of this whole thing was actually hanging out with my friends Saturday, even though I was sick and my apartment was dirty and I was dressed like a bum.

So then up early again Sunday (8am), helping P with school work. Get no laundry done (it's full on a sunday night again! And I don't have my card! And the damn machine only takes $10 bills to buy a new card!). Shitty.

I'm still sick Monday (today), but I'm determined to get my laundry done so I go to CVS and buy some saline drops just so I can have a $10 bill. And they don't have any $10 bills, so they give me $5s instead. As you would expect, the machine doesn't take 2 fives. No, it must be a $10 bill. ARGH.

So I walk over to the corner gas station and buy some delicious lactose free vanilla creme milk and some chocolate cookies and cream ice cream. YUM! And the guy actually has a $10 bill! Hooray.

I'm so excited. I get home, and pop open the milk. You guessed it - SPOILED. Not expired - no. It's just been sitting out in the warmth apparently and has CLUMPS in it. So, on a hunch, I open the ice cream too. And yup, it's definitely re-frozen. The surface is icy and you can tell it used to be liquid. God knows how long they had it sitting out in the warmth. ARGH!

So let's recap -
7 months pregnant. No sleep for over a week straight, driving up and down from Brooklyn to CT. Sick. Dealing with little kids while tired and sick. Laundry room full TWICE. Lost laundry card. Can't get a damn $10 bill... and then.. of all things... SPOILED FRIGGIN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!! Do you know what a pregnant woman can do to you in this condition???