It's over. The first trimester I mean.
Tomorrow I'll be 14 weeks pregnant.
I don't know why I haven't written more in the last 10 weeks, I must be a bad person for not keeping a journal of this experience.
Whenever I thought about writing something about what's been happening to me so far, I always had something to say - in my head, away from the computer. Now that I'm actually trying to write, I can't seem to collect my thoughts and come up with anything meaningful.
So I guess let's start from the beginning.
I found out I was pregnant on a Monday night, April 27th. P was there with me when I found out. He drove up to see me that day out of the blue. I had been having really bad cramps over the weekend that I thought were just really bad PMS. In fact, along with a pregnancy test, I bought some ibuprofen that night that I still haven't opened.
So I bought the test, and I wasn't the slightest bit nervous. I was excited. P was at the apartment when I walked in, and I was just happy to see him, and showed him that I had bought the pregnancy test. He kind of brushed it off, still thinking that he was sterile for some crazy reason.
It was a digital test. I wish I had taken a picture of it that night, but I was too scatter brained.
After I took the test, I was all smiles. For one, it proved once and for all that both P and I were fertile, and that we could have kids together if we wanted to. I know it's strange to think of it that way, but I was really excited.
P was sitting at the dining room table on the computer when I asked him "what do you want it to be?" (the results). He seemed kind of anxious now, seeing my smile, probably wondering if I was messing with him. "I don't know" - he seemed torn. I showed him the results. No decoding necessary there - it was loud and clear. It was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. He pulled me in and held me, we talked. Were we ready? Could we handle it? Was it the right time? He made it very clear that whatever we decided to do, he was 100% behind me.
I bought prenatal vitamins the next morning before work. I don't think I ever seriously considered giving up the baby. I'd never be able to get over it, especially since we both wanted a baby. We just didn't know quite when.
I told my parents the following weekend. There was lots of crying, by me and my mom.
We told P's mom on mother's day - by giving her a grandma card. That was exciting - she was thrilled, and has been ever since.
And the rest is history. Well, 10 weeks of it anyway. Nausea, vomiting, back pain... yep I've had the whole bunch. There were a couple of weeks where I vomited daily. Then a week or so where crackers seemed to help a lot. Then vomiting almost stopped. Then it came back with a vengeance for a couple more days.
So it's been on and off. Getting much better now - I'm no longer exhausted 24/7 (though I still do sleep a lot). I've been less nauseous too. I've gained about 5 pounds (last time I checked anyway, might be more by now). I've had 2 ultrasounds - both times got to hear the baby's heartbeat and got a picture to take home.
Recently I've told my manager, and the rest of the team at work. They've been very supportive and happy for me. So.. things are moving along fine. Though I don't think it has quite sunk in yet.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The Decision
Just found the below draft of a post in my archives. It was written 4-29-2009. Spoiler: we kept the baby. He was born 12/3/2009. He is now 2. :)
-------------------
I think we made the decision to keep the baby tonight.
I'm excited. I'm scared.
The conception date is either April 10th or April 11th, and the online calculators so far are guessing a date of 01/01/10 --- not a bad date at all (and you always get a day off!)
-------------------
I think we made the decision to keep the baby tonight.
I'm excited. I'm scared.
The conception date is either April 10th or April 11th, and the online calculators so far are guessing a date of 01/01/10 --- not a bad date at all (and you always get a day off!)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Personal Development
Every time I read Steve Pavlina's blog (Personal Development for Smart People) I get inspired to become better, to grow. I stumbled onto the blog by accident when I was googling around to help me become an early riser. Actually my goal was even simpler - how do I make myself get up when my alarm rings? From the everyday, to the metaphysical - I found so much content on the site that really struck a cord.
I've been trying to better myself, consciously, over the past year or so. I can't say I have made much progress, but I also can't say that I have applied myself fully. It's the first time in my life that I'm making a conscious effort to grow myself. Of course throughout high school and college I was bettering myself too - I learned a lot, I got some exercise, I did pretty damn well overall. I did some meditating back in high school, did some yoga. Now that I think about it, I guess I haven't been all that unconscious about my growth. So let me rephrase that - during the past year I have been seeking outside sources to help in my growth and have re-awakened my desire to grow.
Previously I did things on my own. I wanted to develop myself, I wanted to help others so I volunteered, I challenged myself. I was shy and quiet but I held a volunteer position where I had to speak to visitors daily telling them about animals in the Aquarium when I was 14. When I was in college I spent a summer standing on the streets of Manhattan asking people for money... for what I thought was a good cause. I volunteered doing trail work when I was 16 and planned a trip to Thailand to study Buddhism as a junior in college. Unfortunately the trip to Thailand didn't happen, but I did travel to South Africa the next year to work with baboons for 6 weeks. These were all conscious growth efforts on my part. Of course I wanted to help, but I also wanted to become better and to know myself through these experiences.
I guess I can say that now is just the continuation of my personal growth. It's become more dire and important to me to do this now, and not let it go. Possibly because now I'm out of school, and personal growth takes more effort. It's easy to slip into a daily routine, just going to work everyday. I don't want that to happen. I don't want my curiosity for life and self-awareness that I've developed over the last 8 years to just disappear and be forgotten.
So, where am I going? What have I been doing?
I've been trying to learn about time management and procrastination. I read "The Now Habit" (Fiore) while I was in South Africa, and I'm now reading "Getting Things Done" (Allen). I'm doing yoga once I week. I still do taekwondo. I trekked through Peru last month for a couple of weeks. These are just things I'm doing, tasks. But what's my goal? Why am I doing THESE things and not other things?
My goal is personal development. I want to re-connect to myself the way I used to be connected back in high school. I used to feel a connectedness with the world back then. Something happened, I got to caught up. I think I can become re-connected, and in a more meaningful way. I'm more mature now, I'm more aware of the things happening around the world. The things I've seen in my travels shouldn't make it harder to connect to the energy I've felt before. It shouldn't make me skeptical and dark. It should help me reach a higher understanding.
I feel that I am ready. I'm ready to expand my mind.
I've been trying to better myself, consciously, over the past year or so. I can't say I have made much progress, but I also can't say that I have applied myself fully. It's the first time in my life that I'm making a conscious effort to grow myself. Of course throughout high school and college I was bettering myself too - I learned a lot, I got some exercise, I did pretty damn well overall. I did some meditating back in high school, did some yoga. Now that I think about it, I guess I haven't been all that unconscious about my growth. So let me rephrase that - during the past year I have been seeking outside sources to help in my growth and have re-awakened my desire to grow.
Previously I did things on my own. I wanted to develop myself, I wanted to help others so I volunteered, I challenged myself. I was shy and quiet but I held a volunteer position where I had to speak to visitors daily telling them about animals in the Aquarium when I was 14. When I was in college I spent a summer standing on the streets of Manhattan asking people for money... for what I thought was a good cause. I volunteered doing trail work when I was 16 and planned a trip to Thailand to study Buddhism as a junior in college. Unfortunately the trip to Thailand didn't happen, but I did travel to South Africa the next year to work with baboons for 6 weeks. These were all conscious growth efforts on my part. Of course I wanted to help, but I also wanted to become better and to know myself through these experiences.
I guess I can say that now is just the continuation of my personal growth. It's become more dire and important to me to do this now, and not let it go. Possibly because now I'm out of school, and personal growth takes more effort. It's easy to slip into a daily routine, just going to work everyday. I don't want that to happen. I don't want my curiosity for life and self-awareness that I've developed over the last 8 years to just disappear and be forgotten.
So, where am I going? What have I been doing?
I've been trying to learn about time management and procrastination. I read "The Now Habit" (Fiore) while I was in South Africa, and I'm now reading "Getting Things Done" (Allen). I'm doing yoga once I week. I still do taekwondo. I trekked through Peru last month for a couple of weeks. These are just things I'm doing, tasks. But what's my goal? Why am I doing THESE things and not other things?
My goal is personal development. I want to re-connect to myself the way I used to be connected back in high school. I used to feel a connectedness with the world back then. Something happened, I got to caught up. I think I can become re-connected, and in a more meaningful way. I'm more mature now, I'm more aware of the things happening around the world. The things I've seen in my travels shouldn't make it harder to connect to the energy I've felt before. It shouldn't make me skeptical and dark. It should help me reach a higher understanding.
I feel that I am ready. I'm ready to expand my mind.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Thanks Google
"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be." --Pearl S. Buck
Showed up on my iGoogle page just now. Appropriate in light of the current state of things in my life.
Showed up on my iGoogle page just now. Appropriate in light of the current state of things in my life.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
And So It Goes
Just yesterday I recalled my old dream of becoming an astronaut. It was by accident really, we were talking about the Challenger Shuttle catastrophe and about Richard Feynman and then suddenly it all came flooding back to me. Everything that used to inspire me and drive me to work my hardest since freshman year in college. It used to be a distant, but concrete goal that I could focus on and could use to further expand my interests.
The revival of my dream came not a day too soon, I've been in a slump this whole year for no apparent reason. I've been feeling tired, unmotivated, and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening to me - I didn't recognize my old self in this new apathetic, tired, lazy me. I've been sleeping too much, procrastinating, searching for some new meaning, something important.
The thought alone rejuvenated me. I walked around all day smiling. I thought - it doesn't matter if I don't become an astronaut, but now I know where to aim and what it is that I've been missing so much lately. It gave me something to work towards. So what if I'm taking a job in technology/software next year? So what if it's not scientific enough? I can come home everyday and have a dream to work towards. I can take concrete steps to help me decide what to specialize in once I pay off my loans and am ready to jump onto the PhD wagon. It gave new meaning to my desire for PhD. My desire before was based on the vague feeling that I just haven't gotten academia out of my system yet and that I wanted more. Now, the PhD could have a greater purpose, a concrete goal.
All that came crashing down today with these words:
P: this NASA idea sounds great. but i'll have to pass on that.
P: Thanks anyways though
P: i know you were thinking about my best interest when you made up your mind about that
P: but do your thing. Good Luck
Yes, that is my boyfriend's response to all that I just explained above about NASA, astronauts, PhDs, and goals.
It's sarcasm, by the way. And not the friendly kind. It's the kind that goes hand in hand with the long diatribe I wrote long ago about having to choose between following my dreams and holding on to my relationship. Not much has changed.
The revival of my dream came not a day too soon, I've been in a slump this whole year for no apparent reason. I've been feeling tired, unmotivated, and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening to me - I didn't recognize my old self in this new apathetic, tired, lazy me. I've been sleeping too much, procrastinating, searching for some new meaning, something important.
The thought alone rejuvenated me. I walked around all day smiling. I thought - it doesn't matter if I don't become an astronaut, but now I know where to aim and what it is that I've been missing so much lately. It gave me something to work towards. So what if I'm taking a job in technology/software next year? So what if it's not scientific enough? I can come home everyday and have a dream to work towards. I can take concrete steps to help me decide what to specialize in once I pay off my loans and am ready to jump onto the PhD wagon. It gave new meaning to my desire for PhD. My desire before was based on the vague feeling that I just haven't gotten academia out of my system yet and that I wanted more. Now, the PhD could have a greater purpose, a concrete goal.
All that came crashing down today with these words:
P: this NASA idea sounds great. but i'll have to pass on that.
P: Thanks anyways though
P: i know you were thinking about my best interest when you made up your mind about that
P: but do your thing. Good Luck
Yes, that is my boyfriend's response to all that I just explained above about NASA, astronauts, PhDs, and goals.
It's sarcasm, by the way. And not the friendly kind. It's the kind that goes hand in hand with the long diatribe I wrote long ago about having to choose between following my dreams and holding on to my relationship. Not much has changed.
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