Thanks Google

"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be." --Pearl S. Buck

Showed up on my iGoogle page just now. Appropriate in light of the current state of things in my life.

And So It Goes

Just yesterday I recalled my old dream of becoming an astronaut. It was by accident really, we were talking about the Challenger Shuttle catastrophe and about Richard Feynman and then suddenly it all came flooding back to me. Everything that used to inspire me and drive me to work my hardest since freshman year in college. It used to be a distant, but concrete goal that I could focus on and could use to further expand my interests.

The revival of my dream came not a day too soon, I've been in a slump this whole year for no apparent reason. I've been feeling tired, unmotivated, and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening to me - I didn't recognize my old self in this new apathetic, tired, lazy me. I've been sleeping too much, procrastinating, searching for some new meaning, something important.

The thought alone rejuvenated me. I walked around all day smiling. I thought - it doesn't matter if I don't become an astronaut, but now I know where to aim and what it is that I've been missing so much lately. It gave me something to work towards. So what if I'm taking a job in technology/software next year? So what if it's not scientific enough? I can come home everyday and have a dream to work towards. I can take concrete steps to help me decide what to specialize in once I pay off my loans and am ready to jump onto the PhD wagon. It gave new meaning to my desire for PhD. My desire before was based on the vague feeling that I just haven't gotten academia out of my system yet and that I wanted more. Now, the PhD could have a greater purpose, a concrete goal.

All that came crashing down today with these words:
P: this NASA idea sounds great. but i'll have to pass on that.
P: Thanks anyways though
P: i know you were thinking about my best interest when you made up your mind about that
P: but do your thing. Good Luck

Yes, that is my boyfriend's response to all that I just explained above about NASA, astronauts, PhDs, and goals.

It's sarcasm, by the way. And not the friendly kind. It's the kind that goes hand in hand with the long diatribe I wrote long ago about having to choose between following my dreams and holding on to my relationship. Not much has changed.

Crossroads... What the hell do I do?

I'm an ambivalent 20 year old with pipe dreams. I know this, my boyfriend of over 5 years knows this, and it's about time a decision is made. Sometimes it's obvious to me what the decision must be, but other times I'm scared to death that I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. I'm in love with P and he's in love with me, but we're not in fantasy land anymore. This isn't the first month or the first year. This is the real thing. Either I give up my pipe-dreams and commit my whole life to P, or... I don't.

It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.

This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.

As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.