Africa.
A place that hasn't entered my mind since Heart of Darkness, freshman fall in college - at least not that part of my mind that's personal, adventurous and creative. The genocide in Darfur and famine in Niger go into an entirely different part of my mind. But enough about the negative.
In just 5 short months I'll be spending 6 weeks frolicking, getting bitten by, and changing nappies of baby baboons in South Africa. With my boyfriend.
On (what some might call) a whim, we applied to a volunteer program in a baboon sanctuary. My boyfriend actually heard of the program back in September, but at the time we neither had the time or the money to be able to think about it seriously. With the prospect of me graduating this June and getting a sizable signing bonus from my employer-to-be, we were faced with the dilemma of how best to waste this money without doing something silly like putting it down on a house, investing it, or saving it.
I wanted to go study Buddhism in Thailand. I had made plans to go do just that about a year ago, when I had a term off from college. Instead, I got an internship... by accident. The internship was with my current employer-to-be (who gave me an offer for a full time job at the end of the internship). Thus I figured it was only fair that, having sold my soul to the devil (err.. corporate America) last winter by choosing an internship over Buddhism, that I should redeem myself by at least going to Thailand before I started my full time job at this same employer in the fall.
However, there were a couple of problems with that. Mostly, the fact that I would be leaving my boyfriend back home. I invited him to come along, of course, but Buddhism and Thailand just don't strike his fancy quite in the same way they do mine. To him, it was a huge waste of money (even more so than putting it down on a house).
**drum-roll**
enter Animal Planet, baboons, and South Africa
We both love animals. A lot.
So I did some quick research and realized that we could afford to do the baboon thing for 6 weeks together. Now I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to put down deposit/security on an apartment we need to rent when we come back so that I can start my new job, but... those are just technicalities and mere details.
Africa, here we come.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
New Year Resolutions
A couple of days late, but I was thinking about this recently and thought I should record it somewhere to remind myself.
So my goal for 2007?
Be on time/timely for everything.
This encompasses a lot of things for me, not just getting to a place on time. This means answering emails/returning phone calls in a timely manner. This means starting my projects/assignments/research on time. This means taking care of things when they should be taken care of. But of course, it also means if I say I'll meet you at 9pm, I should BE there at 9pm. This hasn't been a problem for me when I'm on campus, but back home when not everything is a 5-15 minute walk, I have a hard time starting to get ready early enough to leave the house and get somewhere ON TIME.
If I had to pick one thing about myself that I detest the most, it's this.
A close second would be my inability to keep my space relatively clean.
So goal #2 is:
Keep my room 90% clean, 90% of the time.
Why only 90% of the time?
Just trying to be realistic. This room will NOT be clean during midterms/finals.
I'm not trying to give myself a loophole though. Achieving this goal would be a HUGE step up for me.
So my goal for 2007?
Be on time/timely for everything.
This encompasses a lot of things for me, not just getting to a place on time. This means answering emails/returning phone calls in a timely manner. This means starting my projects/assignments/research on time. This means taking care of things when they should be taken care of. But of course, it also means if I say I'll meet you at 9pm, I should BE there at 9pm. This hasn't been a problem for me when I'm on campus, but back home when not everything is a 5-15 minute walk, I have a hard time starting to get ready early enough to leave the house and get somewhere ON TIME.
If I had to pick one thing about myself that I detest the most, it's this.
A close second would be my inability to keep my space relatively clean.
So goal #2 is:
Keep my room 90% clean, 90% of the time.
Why only 90% of the time?
Just trying to be realistic. This room will NOT be clean during midterms/finals.
I'm not trying to give myself a loophole though. Achieving this goal would be a HUGE step up for me.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Crossroads... What the hell do I do?
I'm an ambivalent 20 year old with pipe dreams. I know this, my boyfriend of over 5 years knows this, and it's about time a decision is made. Sometimes it's obvious to me what the decision must be, but other times I'm scared to death that I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. I'm in love with P and he's in love with me, but we're not in fantasy land anymore. This isn't the first month or the first year. This is the real thing. Either I give up my pipe-dreams and commit my whole life to P, or... I don't.
It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.
This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.
As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.
It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.
This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.
As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
When I was a boy...
Reading this article made me realize why it was that I stuck it out in math and science - because I was a boy in middle school.
Not literally, but socially and physically I did not begin to gain feminine qualities until the 8th grade or so, maybe even later. I wore baggy clothes, I hadn't hit puberty, I played sports, and I hung around with my brother and his friends. Until the 8th grade I refuuuuused to shop in the girls section. I despised all things feminine and prided myself on the fact that my brother's friends all used to tell me how much like a boy I was.
Now you might ask, what the hell does that have to do with math and science? Well, just think about it - my female middle school counterparts entered the phase of lip gloss, skin tight jeans, boyband obsessions, and crushes. Suddenly, they cared about their image - they wanted boys to like them. Did I want boys to like me? Sure, but I wanted them to respect me in a different sense - as an equal. I hated girly girls - I thought they were boring and stupid. I prided myself on being able to do more push-ups than my brother, on my basketball skills, my bruises from climbing trees, and all other unfeminine things.
In fact, until I met a boy at sleepaway camp the summer before 8th grade, my parents were afraid that I didn't like boys at all - that I'd grow up to be a lesbian. (Now, I don't know how they would get that idea - I despised girls!)
By the time I hit puberty I was at a math and science high school surrounded by a very non-judgemental atmosphere. Everyone there was a nerd in one sense or another, everyone was smart - I didn't have to try to fit in.
I remember this one girl in middle school who was every bit as smart as I was (her final average was only 4 tenths of a point below mine, something she would never let me live down). She had an obsession with Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and spent lunchtime chit chatting with her girlfriends about boybands and lip gloss. She was real smart, but she never spoke up in class. The teachers only knew her from her great exam scores and stellar papers. And that is what made the difference.
I really believe that my late-blooming saved me. If I had thought of myself as a female in middle school, I would have taken cues from everyone around me as to what was feminine and what wasn't. Speaking up in class was not feminine, answering and asking questions was not feminine. Doing well in math and science sure as hell wasn't feminine. The expectations were there, I just ignored them because I didn't associate myself with girls. So maybe I was a little bit of a "show-off" in middle school. Not too much, but enough for me to gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself. People told me I was smart and I started to believe them. (And don't tell me that people don't have to be told they're smart to know that they are - it's just not true. People form an image of themselves first and foremost through the reflection of themselves in the eyes of others).
And that's the story.
Not literally, but socially and physically I did not begin to gain feminine qualities until the 8th grade or so, maybe even later. I wore baggy clothes, I hadn't hit puberty, I played sports, and I hung around with my brother and his friends. Until the 8th grade I refuuuuused to shop in the girls section. I despised all things feminine and prided myself on the fact that my brother's friends all used to tell me how much like a boy I was.
Now you might ask, what the hell does that have to do with math and science? Well, just think about it - my female middle school counterparts entered the phase of lip gloss, skin tight jeans, boyband obsessions, and crushes. Suddenly, they cared about their image - they wanted boys to like them. Did I want boys to like me? Sure, but I wanted them to respect me in a different sense - as an equal. I hated girly girls - I thought they were boring and stupid. I prided myself on being able to do more push-ups than my brother, on my basketball skills, my bruises from climbing trees, and all other unfeminine things.
In fact, until I met a boy at sleepaway camp the summer before 8th grade, my parents were afraid that I didn't like boys at all - that I'd grow up to be a lesbian. (Now, I don't know how they would get that idea - I despised girls!)
By the time I hit puberty I was at a math and science high school surrounded by a very non-judgemental atmosphere. Everyone there was a nerd in one sense or another, everyone was smart - I didn't have to try to fit in.
I remember this one girl in middle school who was every bit as smart as I was (her final average was only 4 tenths of a point below mine, something she would never let me live down). She had an obsession with Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and spent lunchtime chit chatting with her girlfriends about boybands and lip gloss. She was real smart, but she never spoke up in class. The teachers only knew her from her great exam scores and stellar papers. And that is what made the difference.
I really believe that my late-blooming saved me. If I had thought of myself as a female in middle school, I would have taken cues from everyone around me as to what was feminine and what wasn't. Speaking up in class was not feminine, answering and asking questions was not feminine. Doing well in math and science sure as hell wasn't feminine. The expectations were there, I just ignored them because I didn't associate myself with girls. So maybe I was a little bit of a "show-off" in middle school. Not too much, but enough for me to gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself. People told me I was smart and I started to believe them. (And don't tell me that people don't have to be told they're smart to know that they are - it's just not true. People form an image of themselves first and foremost through the reflection of themselves in the eyes of others).
And that's the story.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
The next step in blogging... Yikes
I received this e-mail today regarding my personal blog (not this one).
That blog was not linked in any way to my school related activities (meaning they had to do some online snooping to find it). This makes me feel a little strange.
[Names changed for privacy are in italics.]
-------------------------------------
Hi LeMiL,
I work in MOOMOO School's Communications Office. We're considering linking to a couple of student blogs that could help prospective students get more of an idea of what it's like to be an engineering major at MOOMOO.
Are you, in fact, majoring in engineering, and do you plan to keep blogging about your MOOMOO experience?
If we did link to your blog, you would maintain total control over what you write, but we would reserve the right to remove the link depending on the appropriateness and/or relevance of the content that you feature.
Any thoughts about this idea?
-some lady
---
some lady
Director of Public Information
& Web Managing Editor
MOOMOO School of Engineering
MOOMOO College
------------------------------------------------------
The strangest thing is that I responded saying that I didn't really object to being linked to, but that I wouldn't necessarily conform to any relevant content in my blog. If my blog actually winds up getting linked, I think I'd feel rather self-conscious about it...
That blog was not linked in any way to my school related activities (meaning they had to do some online snooping to find it). This makes me feel a little strange.
[Names changed for privacy are in italics.]
-------------------------------------
Hi LeMiL,
I work in MOOMOO School's Communications Office. We're considering linking to a couple of student blogs that could help prospective students get more of an idea of what it's like to be an engineering major at MOOMOO.
Are you, in fact, majoring in engineering, and do you plan to keep blogging about your MOOMOO experience?
If we did link to your blog, you would maintain total control over what you write, but we would reserve the right to remove the link depending on the appropriateness and/or relevance of the content that you feature.
Any thoughts about this idea?
-some lady
---
some lady
Director of Public Information
& Web Managing Editor
MOOMOO School of Engineering
MOOMOO College
------------------------------------------------------
The strangest thing is that I responded saying that I didn't really object to being linked to, but that I wouldn't necessarily conform to any relevant content in my blog. If my blog actually winds up getting linked, I think I'd feel rather self-conscious about it...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
To Write
I'd like to write, I mean REALLY write, not just blog. I don't mean write novels or even short stories, but just write from my heart and then be able to read over my thoughts and laugh, or cry or just think. I want to write poetry that captures who I am, but at the same time leaves mysteries. I want to experience the flow of having something to say and exactly the words to say it. It doesn't have to be timeless, just enough for the present. Enough for me to enjoy it. To keep a notebook or some folder on my laptop full of little pieces of writing that remind me of myself and how I'm changing, growing, and thinking.
I am thinking, aren't I?
I am thinking, aren't I?
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