I'm afraid to ask for help. I already feel like an outsider/imposter because I'm a female in a male dominated field (software development). When I'm just getting started learning something new or tackling a new project, I waste a TON of time researching and poking around on my own instead of just asking basic questions of people who already know about the topic. I'm a complete introvert to begin with, so initiating contact with other people is a barrier within itself for me. On top of that I create new barriers for myself by viewing it through the lens of the sole female developer asking the guys for help. I'm also afraid that if someone helps me out and I don't follow through on whatever it is I'm working on, then I will have let down the person who took the time to help me. I'm FULLY aware how ridiculous it is, but I still haven't gotten over that barrier on a consistent basis.
I was taking an online graduate level computer science class where my final project was meant to bring together a few new technologies that I had never worked with before. Instead of asking for help with some basics of getting going on the project on the listserv of these technologies, I just procrastinated not knowing where to start. I procrastinated so much, that I didn't complete my final project, and didn't get credit for the course, even though I had been doing really well in the class up to that point (with a full time job and a small child). I was very disappointed in myself, having worked so hard (investing precious time and money!) to make progress in the course, just to fail on the very last step.
How do you rebuild trust in yourself?
Basically I'm in a rut where I don't trust myself to finish what I start, therefore I'm wary of getting anyone else involved in my projects, whether as accountability partners, thought partners, or even just sounding boards. I don't want to tell anyone that I'm working on changing something about myself or that I'm working on a side project because I'm afraid of the (mental) consequences if I, yet again, don't follow through.
So I can't break out of this cycle:
Past failure to follow up --> afraid to ask for help so as to not let someone down due to lack of follow up --> not asking for help causes project to stall/fail --> creates another data point for "not finishing what you start/not following up" --> causes even more fear to ask for help in the future.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Saturday, February 25, 2012
No Book!
"No book!" He throws the book on the couch.
"No airplane!" He knocks the toy plane off the table.
"No!" He swings his arms wildly attempting to hit something, someone, anyone in the way.
And he's not even in a bad mood; Just his usual response to a suggestion to do something he doesn't feel like doing. The suggestion was for a book, but the plane and any other bystanders are all just collateral damage in his short-lived, but extremely typical outburst.
He's 2 yrs 2months old - so yes, I guess you can say it's terrible twos. But I don't want to just write it off as typical behavior, because I don't want to become complacent. I want to make sure that when it's time for him to start school, he will be ready; socially, emotionally ready.
I don't get to objectively observe him for long periods of time as much as I would like - mostly just on the weekends. Well, who are we kidding? I don't ever "objectively" observe him. How can anyone ever be objective about their own child? So the best I can do is write down my notes about the happenings of late, with the hopes that it will help me take a step back at times and re-asses if I'm doing the best that I can to help my child learn about himself and the environment and how he can best achieve what he wants in life.
"No airplane!" He knocks the toy plane off the table.
"No!" He swings his arms wildly attempting to hit something, someone, anyone in the way.
And he's not even in a bad mood; Just his usual response to a suggestion to do something he doesn't feel like doing. The suggestion was for a book, but the plane and any other bystanders are all just collateral damage in his short-lived, but extremely typical outburst.
He's 2 yrs 2months old - so yes, I guess you can say it's terrible twos. But I don't want to just write it off as typical behavior, because I don't want to become complacent. I want to make sure that when it's time for him to start school, he will be ready; socially, emotionally ready.
I don't get to objectively observe him for long periods of time as much as I would like - mostly just on the weekends. Well, who are we kidding? I don't ever "objectively" observe him. How can anyone ever be objective about their own child? So the best I can do is write down my notes about the happenings of late, with the hopes that it will help me take a step back at times and re-asses if I'm doing the best that I can to help my child learn about himself and the environment and how he can best achieve what he wants in life.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I'm jinxing myself as I write this, BUT - Cloud has gone to sleep for the last 3 nights without needing me to stand over his crib. No more standing there, with my arm in the crib, afraid to move a muscle for fear of waking him as he starts to doze off.
Also! We may be applying to Montessori sometime very soon. I may be insane for trying this, given that Cloud is NOT an example of peace, focus, concentration, and quiet. But god damn it, I'm willing to give it a shot and I just hope the teachers are willing to work with him. He's highly distractable and I'm hoping the peaceful atmosphere will help him concentrate.
Though now that I think about it, complete and utter quiet actually makes it really hard for me personally to concentrate, and in many ways he's a lot like me. Except that I was not nearly as hyperactive as he seems to be at times. Aaaaahhh. I hope it works out.
Also! We may be applying to Montessori sometime very soon. I may be insane for trying this, given that Cloud is NOT an example of peace, focus, concentration, and quiet. But god damn it, I'm willing to give it a shot and I just hope the teachers are willing to work with him. He's highly distractable and I'm hoping the peaceful atmosphere will help him concentrate.
Though now that I think about it, complete and utter quiet actually makes it really hard for me personally to concentrate, and in many ways he's a lot like me. Except that I was not nearly as hyperactive as he seems to be at times. Aaaaahhh. I hope it works out.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Cloud flies home from Miami
I figure now is as good time as any to start writing down Cloud's various tantrums, destructions, and other fun behaviors (oh yea and some of his good moments too). So what if it's already been two years since he was born? Better late than never.
We were in Miami over the last two weeks, which left lots of time for me to ..ahem.. "observe" Cloud in his natural state. Sad, I know - it takes a vacation for me to really get to know my son.
Moving on.
Yesterday, we had the pleasure of flying back from Miami - which we cleverly planned for Cloud's nap time (original departure time was 11:45, we actually left at 12:30, which is typically what time Cloud falls asleep for his nap). But Cloud had other plans. He woke up bright and early that morning - 5:45am. He then proceeded to fall asleep in the car at 9:00am as we were getting ready to leave for the airport, and slept just long enough to completely screw up his normal nap time and yet still remain quite cranky.
During the 3 hour flight, he slept for exactly 0 seconds and spent exactly 3 hours screaming and kicking the chair in front of him. As the plane landed and began making its way to the gate, I turned to Cloud's dad (P) and joked - wouldn't it be funny if Cloud fell asleep by the time the airplane doors opened, now that we were on the ground? And *poof*, that's exactly what happened. In the 3 minutes we were driving along on the ground to the gate, he finally conked out. P proceeded to punch Cloud in the jaw out of spite, and I can't say I blamed him.
We were in Miami over the last two weeks, which left lots of time for me to ..ahem.. "observe" Cloud in his natural state. Sad, I know - it takes a vacation for me to really get to know my son.
Moving on.
Yesterday, we had the pleasure of flying back from Miami - which we cleverly planned for Cloud's nap time (original departure time was 11:45, we actually left at 12:30, which is typically what time Cloud falls asleep for his nap). But Cloud had other plans. He woke up bright and early that morning - 5:45am. He then proceeded to fall asleep in the car at 9:00am as we were getting ready to leave for the airport, and slept just long enough to completely screw up his normal nap time and yet still remain quite cranky.
During the 3 hour flight, he slept for exactly 0 seconds and spent exactly 3 hours screaming and kicking the chair in front of him. As the plane landed and began making its way to the gate, I turned to Cloud's dad (P) and joked - wouldn't it be funny if Cloud fell asleep by the time the airplane doors opened, now that we were on the ground? And *poof*, that's exactly what happened. In the 3 minutes we were driving along on the ground to the gate, he finally conked out. P proceeded to punch Cloud in the jaw out of spite, and I can't say I blamed him.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Talking to Myself
Note to future-self:
Once you ACTUALLY start thinking and working on that paper you've been putting off - it's interesting! The actual process of writing the paper and finding the info and putting it all together is NOT boring, it's NOT annoying, it's NOT hard and lame. Why are you putting off starting? There's nothing difficult about this process and nothing worth being anxious about. God, stop procrastinating.
A note from your past-self that's currently in the middle of writing a paper that's turning out to be so awesomely fun. The only sucky part is that your past-past self procrastinated way too long and now I have to RUSH through this process because the paper is due tomorrow!! Future-self, unless you really want to screw over your future-future-self, you should start doing that thing that you've been procrastinating on. Start NOW. Do it Now! Start coding up that project! Work on your project report. RIGHT NOW. Stop reading Charlie Sheen quotes and DO IT NOW!
Monday, November 16, 2009
So last week I had to work on Saturday (was in by 7:45am, on a Saturday!), and then had a realllly long baby shower that same day after driving for an hour and a half from CT to Brooklyn. By the time I got to sleep it was waaaay past my bedtime!
And then P got the flu and couldn't move on Sunday morning. So I stayed late by P's house on Sunday night to take care of him and then I wound up driving back up to work at 5AM on Monday morning. Not a huge deal, I used to do this all the time. Of course being 7 months pregnant takes it's toll, and I was already sleep deprived from not getting to catch up on my sleep over the weekend, but I managed.
I get to work on Monday and find out that I need to attend a half day long meeting in Manhattan the next day. Fine, no big deal... At least I get to check in on P and see how he's feeling.
So I drive back down that same night, even though I'm exhausted from not having slept well the night before. I get up bright and early at 6:30am the next morning, trudge over to Manhattan for the stupid meeting, then trudge back to Brooklyn to get my car, and drive right back up to CT to get back to work after the meeting. Awesome.
Since P is still sick, he misses his classes (and an exam) on Tuesday, so he drives up to CT so that we can study together for his re-examination on Wed or Thu. Of course after not having slept well for quite a few nights now, I'm tired as hell, but we do what we can before I fall asleep.
Wednesday is uneventful, except for me being exhausted. I come home while P is still here. Was hoping I'd get in really early, but an issue at work makes me have to stay longer right about the time I was ready to head out the door. Not so good. I need sleep!
We eat, do some more studying, and P heads back down to Brooklyn so he can take his exam on Thu.
Thursday rolls around. P takes his exam and drives back UP to CT so that we can meet with our doula that night. Doula is late, and I'm almost ecstatic thinking she might not make it and maybe I can get some sleep! No such luck, she makes it.
Ok... no problem, I have Friday off for my prenatal appointment, surely I can get some rest. Plus I've been real lucky - Corey's been real sick all week and I haven't even got the sniffles even though I've been with him every single day!
The Friday appointment is early, so I get up by 6:45am so that we can leave by 7:30 to make the 45 minute drive over to the birth center. Shit, I wake up and my throat is all tingly. Not a good sign. P, of course, gets up at 7:20. Gets out of the shower at 7:40. We don't leave until 8:05am - CRAP. So I call them up telling them I'm running late. Of course, the midwife has another appointment scheduled after mine so there's no way I can just show up 20 mins late. They reschedule me for 11:30am instead and we drive back home.
Ok, a shitty start to my day off from work, but at least I can get some laundry done while we wait for my new appointment time right?
I gather all my stuff, thinking it's a weekday and early in the morning, so it should be completely empty down there. WRONG. All the washers are taken. Awesome.
I bring the laundry back upstairs, leaving it in the basket and leaving my laundry card in my pants pocket, thinking I'll just go down there again a little later.
Wow this is getting long so let me do the quick version of the rest of my weekend - I lose my laundry card, I get the H1N1 vaccine, I get really sick. I sleep all day Friday and get no cleaning or laundry done because I'm so sick. Then Friday night we drive to Brooklyn AGAIN for some tapings P had to do (don't ask). We go to bed at 2:30am, and up at 5:30 AM because I have to drive back to the birth center on saturday morning for breastfeeding class and since I have people coming over I also needed to clean the place up.
The only good part of this whole thing was actually hanging out with my friends Saturday, even though I was sick and my apartment was dirty and I was dressed like a bum.
So then up early again Sunday (8am), helping P with school work. Get no laundry done (it's full on a sunday night again! And I don't have my card! And the damn machine only takes $10 bills to buy a new card!). Shitty.
I'm still sick Monday (today), but I'm determined to get my laundry done so I go to CVS and buy some saline drops just so I can have a $10 bill. And they don't have any $10 bills, so they give me $5s instead. As you would expect, the machine doesn't take 2 fives. No, it must be a $10 bill. ARGH.
So I walk over to the corner gas station and buy some delicious lactose free vanilla creme milk and some chocolate cookies and cream ice cream. YUM! And the guy actually has a $10 bill! Hooray.
I'm so excited. I get home, and pop open the milk. You guessed it - SPOILED. Not expired - no. It's just been sitting out in the warmth apparently and has CLUMPS in it. So, on a hunch, I open the ice cream too. And yup, it's definitely re-frozen. The surface is icy and you can tell it used to be liquid. God knows how long they had it sitting out in the warmth. ARGH!
So let's recap -
7 months pregnant. No sleep for over a week straight, driving up and down from Brooklyn to CT. Sick. Dealing with little kids while tired and sick. Laundry room full TWICE. Lost laundry card. Can't get a damn $10 bill... and then.. of all things... SPOILED FRIGGIN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!! Do you know what a pregnant woman can do to you in this condition???
And then P got the flu and couldn't move on Sunday morning. So I stayed late by P's house on Sunday night to take care of him and then I wound up driving back up to work at 5AM on Monday morning. Not a huge deal, I used to do this all the time. Of course being 7 months pregnant takes it's toll, and I was already sleep deprived from not getting to catch up on my sleep over the weekend, but I managed.
I get to work on Monday and find out that I need to attend a half day long meeting in Manhattan the next day. Fine, no big deal... At least I get to check in on P and see how he's feeling.
So I drive back down that same night, even though I'm exhausted from not having slept well the night before. I get up bright and early at 6:30am the next morning, trudge over to Manhattan for the stupid meeting, then trudge back to Brooklyn to get my car, and drive right back up to CT to get back to work after the meeting. Awesome.
Since P is still sick, he misses his classes (and an exam) on Tuesday, so he drives up to CT so that we can study together for his re-examination on Wed or Thu. Of course after not having slept well for quite a few nights now, I'm tired as hell, but we do what we can before I fall asleep.
Wednesday is uneventful, except for me being exhausted. I come home while P is still here. Was hoping I'd get in really early, but an issue at work makes me have to stay longer right about the time I was ready to head out the door. Not so good. I need sleep!
We eat, do some more studying, and P heads back down to Brooklyn so he can take his exam on Thu.
Thursday rolls around. P takes his exam and drives back UP to CT so that we can meet with our doula that night. Doula is late, and I'm almost ecstatic thinking she might not make it and maybe I can get some sleep! No such luck, she makes it.
Ok... no problem, I have Friday off for my prenatal appointment, surely I can get some rest. Plus I've been real lucky - Corey's been real sick all week and I haven't even got the sniffles even though I've been with him every single day!
The Friday appointment is early, so I get up by 6:45am so that we can leave by 7:30 to make the 45 minute drive over to the birth center. Shit, I wake up and my throat is all tingly. Not a good sign. P, of course, gets up at 7:20. Gets out of the shower at 7:40. We don't leave until 8:05am - CRAP. So I call them up telling them I'm running late. Of course, the midwife has another appointment scheduled after mine so there's no way I can just show up 20 mins late. They reschedule me for 11:30am instead and we drive back home.
Ok, a shitty start to my day off from work, but at least I can get some laundry done while we wait for my new appointment time right?
I gather all my stuff, thinking it's a weekday and early in the morning, so it should be completely empty down there. WRONG. All the washers are taken. Awesome.
I bring the laundry back upstairs, leaving it in the basket and leaving my laundry card in my pants pocket, thinking I'll just go down there again a little later.
Wow this is getting long so let me do the quick version of the rest of my weekend - I lose my laundry card, I get the H1N1 vaccine, I get really sick. I sleep all day Friday and get no cleaning or laundry done because I'm so sick. Then Friday night we drive to Brooklyn AGAIN for some tapings P had to do (don't ask). We go to bed at 2:30am, and up at 5:30 AM because I have to drive back to the birth center on saturday morning for breastfeeding class and since I have people coming over I also needed to clean the place up.
The only good part of this whole thing was actually hanging out with my friends Saturday, even though I was sick and my apartment was dirty and I was dressed like a bum.
So then up early again Sunday (8am), helping P with school work. Get no laundry done (it's full on a sunday night again! And I don't have my card! And the damn machine only takes $10 bills to buy a new card!). Shitty.
I'm still sick Monday (today), but I'm determined to get my laundry done so I go to CVS and buy some saline drops just so I can have a $10 bill. And they don't have any $10 bills, so they give me $5s instead. As you would expect, the machine doesn't take 2 fives. No, it must be a $10 bill. ARGH.
So I walk over to the corner gas station and buy some delicious lactose free vanilla creme milk and some chocolate cookies and cream ice cream. YUM! And the guy actually has a $10 bill! Hooray.
I'm so excited. I get home, and pop open the milk. You guessed it - SPOILED. Not expired - no. It's just been sitting out in the warmth apparently and has CLUMPS in it. So, on a hunch, I open the ice cream too. And yup, it's definitely re-frozen. The surface is icy and you can tell it used to be liquid. God knows how long they had it sitting out in the warmth. ARGH!
So let's recap -
7 months pregnant. No sleep for over a week straight, driving up and down from Brooklyn to CT. Sick. Dealing with little kids while tired and sick. Laundry room full TWICE. Lost laundry card. Can't get a damn $10 bill... and then.. of all things... SPOILED FRIGGIN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!! Do you know what a pregnant woman can do to you in this condition???
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The first trimester
It's over. The first trimester I mean.
Tomorrow I'll be 14 weeks pregnant.
I don't know why I haven't written more in the last 10 weeks, I must be a bad person for not keeping a journal of this experience.
Whenever I thought about writing something about what's been happening to me so far, I always had something to say - in my head, away from the computer. Now that I'm actually trying to write, I can't seem to collect my thoughts and come up with anything meaningful.
So I guess let's start from the beginning.
I found out I was pregnant on a Monday night, April 27th. P was there with me when I found out. He drove up to see me that day out of the blue. I had been having really bad cramps over the weekend that I thought were just really bad PMS. In fact, along with a pregnancy test, I bought some ibuprofen that night that I still haven't opened.
So I bought the test, and I wasn't the slightest bit nervous. I was excited. P was at the apartment when I walked in, and I was just happy to see him, and showed him that I had bought the pregnancy test. He kind of brushed it off, still thinking that he was sterile for some crazy reason.
It was a digital test. I wish I had taken a picture of it that night, but I was too scatter brained.
After I took the test, I was all smiles. For one, it proved once and for all that both P and I were fertile, and that we could have kids together if we wanted to. I know it's strange to think of it that way, but I was really excited.
P was sitting at the dining room table on the computer when I asked him "what do you want it to be?" (the results). He seemed kind of anxious now, seeing my smile, probably wondering if I was messing with him. "I don't know" - he seemed torn. I showed him the results. No decoding necessary there - it was loud and clear. It was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. He pulled me in and held me, we talked. Were we ready? Could we handle it? Was it the right time? He made it very clear that whatever we decided to do, he was 100% behind me.
I bought prenatal vitamins the next morning before work. I don't think I ever seriously considered giving up the baby. I'd never be able to get over it, especially since we both wanted a baby. We just didn't know quite when.
I told my parents the following weekend. There was lots of crying, by me and my mom.
We told P's mom on mother's day - by giving her a grandma card. That was exciting - she was thrilled, and has been ever since.
And the rest is history. Well, 10 weeks of it anyway. Nausea, vomiting, back pain... yep I've had the whole bunch. There were a couple of weeks where I vomited daily. Then a week or so where crackers seemed to help a lot. Then vomiting almost stopped. Then it came back with a vengeance for a couple more days.
So it's been on and off. Getting much better now - I'm no longer exhausted 24/7 (though I still do sleep a lot). I've been less nauseous too. I've gained about 5 pounds (last time I checked anyway, might be more by now). I've had 2 ultrasounds - both times got to hear the baby's heartbeat and got a picture to take home.
Recently I've told my manager, and the rest of the team at work. They've been very supportive and happy for me. So.. things are moving along fine. Though I don't think it has quite sunk in yet.
Tomorrow I'll be 14 weeks pregnant.
I don't know why I haven't written more in the last 10 weeks, I must be a bad person for not keeping a journal of this experience.
Whenever I thought about writing something about what's been happening to me so far, I always had something to say - in my head, away from the computer. Now that I'm actually trying to write, I can't seem to collect my thoughts and come up with anything meaningful.
So I guess let's start from the beginning.
I found out I was pregnant on a Monday night, April 27th. P was there with me when I found out. He drove up to see me that day out of the blue. I had been having really bad cramps over the weekend that I thought were just really bad PMS. In fact, along with a pregnancy test, I bought some ibuprofen that night that I still haven't opened.
So I bought the test, and I wasn't the slightest bit nervous. I was excited. P was at the apartment when I walked in, and I was just happy to see him, and showed him that I had bought the pregnancy test. He kind of brushed it off, still thinking that he was sterile for some crazy reason.
It was a digital test. I wish I had taken a picture of it that night, but I was too scatter brained.
After I took the test, I was all smiles. For one, it proved once and for all that both P and I were fertile, and that we could have kids together if we wanted to. I know it's strange to think of it that way, but I was really excited.
P was sitting at the dining room table on the computer when I asked him "what do you want it to be?" (the results). He seemed kind of anxious now, seeing my smile, probably wondering if I was messing with him. "I don't know" - he seemed torn. I showed him the results. No decoding necessary there - it was loud and clear. It was overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. He pulled me in and held me, we talked. Were we ready? Could we handle it? Was it the right time? He made it very clear that whatever we decided to do, he was 100% behind me.
I bought prenatal vitamins the next morning before work. I don't think I ever seriously considered giving up the baby. I'd never be able to get over it, especially since we both wanted a baby. We just didn't know quite when.
I told my parents the following weekend. There was lots of crying, by me and my mom.
We told P's mom on mother's day - by giving her a grandma card. That was exciting - she was thrilled, and has been ever since.
And the rest is history. Well, 10 weeks of it anyway. Nausea, vomiting, back pain... yep I've had the whole bunch. There were a couple of weeks where I vomited daily. Then a week or so where crackers seemed to help a lot. Then vomiting almost stopped. Then it came back with a vengeance for a couple more days.
So it's been on and off. Getting much better now - I'm no longer exhausted 24/7 (though I still do sleep a lot). I've been less nauseous too. I've gained about 5 pounds (last time I checked anyway, might be more by now). I've had 2 ultrasounds - both times got to hear the baby's heartbeat and got a picture to take home.
Recently I've told my manager, and the rest of the team at work. They've been very supportive and happy for me. So.. things are moving along fine. Though I don't think it has quite sunk in yet.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The Decision
Just found the below draft of a post in my archives. It was written 4-29-2009. Spoiler: we kept the baby. He was born 12/3/2009. He is now 2. :)
-------------------
I think we made the decision to keep the baby tonight.
I'm excited. I'm scared.
The conception date is either April 10th or April 11th, and the online calculators so far are guessing a date of 01/01/10 --- not a bad date at all (and you always get a day off!)
-------------------
I think we made the decision to keep the baby tonight.
I'm excited. I'm scared.
The conception date is either April 10th or April 11th, and the online calculators so far are guessing a date of 01/01/10 --- not a bad date at all (and you always get a day off!)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Personal Development
Every time I read Steve Pavlina's blog (Personal Development for Smart People) I get inspired to become better, to grow. I stumbled onto the blog by accident when I was googling around to help me become an early riser. Actually my goal was even simpler - how do I make myself get up when my alarm rings? From the everyday, to the metaphysical - I found so much content on the site that really struck a cord.
I've been trying to better myself, consciously, over the past year or so. I can't say I have made much progress, but I also can't say that I have applied myself fully. It's the first time in my life that I'm making a conscious effort to grow myself. Of course throughout high school and college I was bettering myself too - I learned a lot, I got some exercise, I did pretty damn well overall. I did some meditating back in high school, did some yoga. Now that I think about it, I guess I haven't been all that unconscious about my growth. So let me rephrase that - during the past year I have been seeking outside sources to help in my growth and have re-awakened my desire to grow.
Previously I did things on my own. I wanted to develop myself, I wanted to help others so I volunteered, I challenged myself. I was shy and quiet but I held a volunteer position where I had to speak to visitors daily telling them about animals in the Aquarium when I was 14. When I was in college I spent a summer standing on the streets of Manhattan asking people for money... for what I thought was a good cause. I volunteered doing trail work when I was 16 and planned a trip to Thailand to study Buddhism as a junior in college. Unfortunately the trip to Thailand didn't happen, but I did travel to South Africa the next year to work with baboons for 6 weeks. These were all conscious growth efforts on my part. Of course I wanted to help, but I also wanted to become better and to know myself through these experiences.
I guess I can say that now is just the continuation of my personal growth. It's become more dire and important to me to do this now, and not let it go. Possibly because now I'm out of school, and personal growth takes more effort. It's easy to slip into a daily routine, just going to work everyday. I don't want that to happen. I don't want my curiosity for life and self-awareness that I've developed over the last 8 years to just disappear and be forgotten.
So, where am I going? What have I been doing?
I've been trying to learn about time management and procrastination. I read "The Now Habit" (Fiore) while I was in South Africa, and I'm now reading "Getting Things Done" (Allen). I'm doing yoga once I week. I still do taekwondo. I trekked through Peru last month for a couple of weeks. These are just things I'm doing, tasks. But what's my goal? Why am I doing THESE things and not other things?
My goal is personal development. I want to re-connect to myself the way I used to be connected back in high school. I used to feel a connectedness with the world back then. Something happened, I got to caught up. I think I can become re-connected, and in a more meaningful way. I'm more mature now, I'm more aware of the things happening around the world. The things I've seen in my travels shouldn't make it harder to connect to the energy I've felt before. It shouldn't make me skeptical and dark. It should help me reach a higher understanding.
I feel that I am ready. I'm ready to expand my mind.
I've been trying to better myself, consciously, over the past year or so. I can't say I have made much progress, but I also can't say that I have applied myself fully. It's the first time in my life that I'm making a conscious effort to grow myself. Of course throughout high school and college I was bettering myself too - I learned a lot, I got some exercise, I did pretty damn well overall. I did some meditating back in high school, did some yoga. Now that I think about it, I guess I haven't been all that unconscious about my growth. So let me rephrase that - during the past year I have been seeking outside sources to help in my growth and have re-awakened my desire to grow.
Previously I did things on my own. I wanted to develop myself, I wanted to help others so I volunteered, I challenged myself. I was shy and quiet but I held a volunteer position where I had to speak to visitors daily telling them about animals in the Aquarium when I was 14. When I was in college I spent a summer standing on the streets of Manhattan asking people for money... for what I thought was a good cause. I volunteered doing trail work when I was 16 and planned a trip to Thailand to study Buddhism as a junior in college. Unfortunately the trip to Thailand didn't happen, but I did travel to South Africa the next year to work with baboons for 6 weeks. These were all conscious growth efforts on my part. Of course I wanted to help, but I also wanted to become better and to know myself through these experiences.
I guess I can say that now is just the continuation of my personal growth. It's become more dire and important to me to do this now, and not let it go. Possibly because now I'm out of school, and personal growth takes more effort. It's easy to slip into a daily routine, just going to work everyday. I don't want that to happen. I don't want my curiosity for life and self-awareness that I've developed over the last 8 years to just disappear and be forgotten.
So, where am I going? What have I been doing?
I've been trying to learn about time management and procrastination. I read "The Now Habit" (Fiore) while I was in South Africa, and I'm now reading "Getting Things Done" (Allen). I'm doing yoga once I week. I still do taekwondo. I trekked through Peru last month for a couple of weeks. These are just things I'm doing, tasks. But what's my goal? Why am I doing THESE things and not other things?
My goal is personal development. I want to re-connect to myself the way I used to be connected back in high school. I used to feel a connectedness with the world back then. Something happened, I got to caught up. I think I can become re-connected, and in a more meaningful way. I'm more mature now, I'm more aware of the things happening around the world. The things I've seen in my travels shouldn't make it harder to connect to the energy I've felt before. It shouldn't make me skeptical and dark. It should help me reach a higher understanding.
I feel that I am ready. I'm ready to expand my mind.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Thanks Google
"There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be." --Pearl S. Buck
Showed up on my iGoogle page just now. Appropriate in light of the current state of things in my life.
Showed up on my iGoogle page just now. Appropriate in light of the current state of things in my life.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
And So It Goes
Just yesterday I recalled my old dream of becoming an astronaut. It was by accident really, we were talking about the Challenger Shuttle catastrophe and about Richard Feynman and then suddenly it all came flooding back to me. Everything that used to inspire me and drive me to work my hardest since freshman year in college. It used to be a distant, but concrete goal that I could focus on and could use to further expand my interests.
The revival of my dream came not a day too soon, I've been in a slump this whole year for no apparent reason. I've been feeling tired, unmotivated, and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening to me - I didn't recognize my old self in this new apathetic, tired, lazy me. I've been sleeping too much, procrastinating, searching for some new meaning, something important.
The thought alone rejuvenated me. I walked around all day smiling. I thought - it doesn't matter if I don't become an astronaut, but now I know where to aim and what it is that I've been missing so much lately. It gave me something to work towards. So what if I'm taking a job in technology/software next year? So what if it's not scientific enough? I can come home everyday and have a dream to work towards. I can take concrete steps to help me decide what to specialize in once I pay off my loans and am ready to jump onto the PhD wagon. It gave new meaning to my desire for PhD. My desire before was based on the vague feeling that I just haven't gotten academia out of my system yet and that I wanted more. Now, the PhD could have a greater purpose, a concrete goal.
All that came crashing down today with these words:
P: this NASA idea sounds great. but i'll have to pass on that.
P: Thanks anyways though
P: i know you were thinking about my best interest when you made up your mind about that
P: but do your thing. Good Luck
Yes, that is my boyfriend's response to all that I just explained above about NASA, astronauts, PhDs, and goals.
It's sarcasm, by the way. And not the friendly kind. It's the kind that goes hand in hand with the long diatribe I wrote long ago about having to choose between following my dreams and holding on to my relationship. Not much has changed.
The revival of my dream came not a day too soon, I've been in a slump this whole year for no apparent reason. I've been feeling tired, unmotivated, and stressed. I couldn't understand what was happening to me - I didn't recognize my old self in this new apathetic, tired, lazy me. I've been sleeping too much, procrastinating, searching for some new meaning, something important.
The thought alone rejuvenated me. I walked around all day smiling. I thought - it doesn't matter if I don't become an astronaut, but now I know where to aim and what it is that I've been missing so much lately. It gave me something to work towards. So what if I'm taking a job in technology/software next year? So what if it's not scientific enough? I can come home everyday and have a dream to work towards. I can take concrete steps to help me decide what to specialize in once I pay off my loans and am ready to jump onto the PhD wagon. It gave new meaning to my desire for PhD. My desire before was based on the vague feeling that I just haven't gotten academia out of my system yet and that I wanted more. Now, the PhD could have a greater purpose, a concrete goal.
All that came crashing down today with these words:
P: this NASA idea sounds great. but i'll have to pass on that.
P: Thanks anyways though
P: i know you were thinking about my best interest when you made up your mind about that
P: but do your thing. Good Luck
Yes, that is my boyfriend's response to all that I just explained above about NASA, astronauts, PhDs, and goals.
It's sarcasm, by the way. And not the friendly kind. It's the kind that goes hand in hand with the long diatribe I wrote long ago about having to choose between following my dreams and holding on to my relationship. Not much has changed.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
I'm graduating!
Today, I satisfied the very last of the requirements necessary for graduation. Nope it had nothing to do with world culture, or labs, or art, or philosophy. Today I finally took the swim test. Now even if I fail every single class this term, I will still graduate (with a single major instead of a double, but hey it feels good to say that anyway).
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
De-icing
De-icing techniques
jabbing violently with the ice scraper
pros: it's fun, and nice big chunks of ice come right off
cons: too easy to get carried away, scratch the paint and/or windshield
using scraper as lever to lift the ice off
pros: no scraping sounds, can get even bigger chunks of ice off if you're good
cons: shitty scraper bound to break in half under the weight, it can be tricky to get under the ice
scrape, scrape, scrape away
pros: no damage to windshield, gets the job done... eventually
cons: flying shards of ice, boring, scraping sounds hurt your head, arms get tired
jabbing violently with the ice scraper
pros: it's fun, and nice big chunks of ice come right off
cons: too easy to get carried away, scratch the paint and/or windshield
using scraper as lever to lift the ice off
pros: no scraping sounds, can get even bigger chunks of ice off if you're good
cons: shitty scraper bound to break in half under the weight, it can be tricky to get under the ice
scrape, scrape, scrape away
pros: no damage to windshield, gets the job done... eventually
cons: flying shards of ice, boring, scraping sounds hurt your head, arms get tired
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Being Light-Minded is Hard Work
Africa.
A place that hasn't entered my mind since Heart of Darkness, freshman fall in college - at least not that part of my mind that's personal, adventurous and creative. The genocide in Darfur and famine in Niger go into an entirely different part of my mind. But enough about the negative.
In just 5 short months I'll be spending 6 weeks frolicking, getting bitten by, and changing nappies of baby baboons in South Africa. With my boyfriend.
On (what some might call) a whim, we applied to a volunteer program in a baboon sanctuary. My boyfriend actually heard of the program back in September, but at the time we neither had the time or the money to be able to think about it seriously. With the prospect of me graduating this June and getting a sizable signing bonus from my employer-to-be, we were faced with the dilemma of how best to waste this money without doing something silly like putting it down on a house, investing it, or saving it.
I wanted to go study Buddhism in Thailand. I had made plans to go do just that about a year ago, when I had a term off from college. Instead, I got an internship... by accident. The internship was with my current employer-to-be (who gave me an offer for a full time job at the end of the internship). Thus I figured it was only fair that, having sold my soul to the devil (err.. corporate America) last winter by choosing an internship over Buddhism, that I should redeem myself by at least going to Thailand before I started my full time job at this same employer in the fall.
However, there were a couple of problems with that. Mostly, the fact that I would be leaving my boyfriend back home. I invited him to come along, of course, but Buddhism and Thailand just don't strike his fancy quite in the same way they do mine. To him, it was a huge waste of money (even more so than putting it down on a house).
**drum-roll**
enter Animal Planet, baboons, and South Africa
We both love animals. A lot.
So I did some quick research and realized that we could afford to do the baboon thing for 6 weeks together. Now I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to put down deposit/security on an apartment we need to rent when we come back so that I can start my new job, but... those are just technicalities and mere details.
Africa, here we come.
A place that hasn't entered my mind since Heart of Darkness, freshman fall in college - at least not that part of my mind that's personal, adventurous and creative. The genocide in Darfur and famine in Niger go into an entirely different part of my mind. But enough about the negative.
In just 5 short months I'll be spending 6 weeks frolicking, getting bitten by, and changing nappies of baby baboons in South Africa. With my boyfriend.
On (what some might call) a whim, we applied to a volunteer program in a baboon sanctuary. My boyfriend actually heard of the program back in September, but at the time we neither had the time or the money to be able to think about it seriously. With the prospect of me graduating this June and getting a sizable signing bonus from my employer-to-be, we were faced with the dilemma of how best to waste this money without doing something silly like putting it down on a house, investing it, or saving it.
I wanted to go study Buddhism in Thailand. I had made plans to go do just that about a year ago, when I had a term off from college. Instead, I got an internship... by accident. The internship was with my current employer-to-be (who gave me an offer for a full time job at the end of the internship). Thus I figured it was only fair that, having sold my soul to the devil (err.. corporate America) last winter by choosing an internship over Buddhism, that I should redeem myself by at least going to Thailand before I started my full time job at this same employer in the fall.
However, there were a couple of problems with that. Mostly, the fact that I would be leaving my boyfriend back home. I invited him to come along, of course, but Buddhism and Thailand just don't strike his fancy quite in the same way they do mine. To him, it was a huge waste of money (even more so than putting it down on a house).
**drum-roll**
enter Animal Planet, baboons, and South Africa
We both love animals. A lot.
So I did some quick research and realized that we could afford to do the baboon thing for 6 weeks together. Now I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to put down deposit/security on an apartment we need to rent when we come back so that I can start my new job, but... those are just technicalities and mere details.
Africa, here we come.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
New Year Resolutions
A couple of days late, but I was thinking about this recently and thought I should record it somewhere to remind myself.
So my goal for 2007?
Be on time/timely for everything.
This encompasses a lot of things for me, not just getting to a place on time. This means answering emails/returning phone calls in a timely manner. This means starting my projects/assignments/research on time. This means taking care of things when they should be taken care of. But of course, it also means if I say I'll meet you at 9pm, I should BE there at 9pm. This hasn't been a problem for me when I'm on campus, but back home when not everything is a 5-15 minute walk, I have a hard time starting to get ready early enough to leave the house and get somewhere ON TIME.
If I had to pick one thing about myself that I detest the most, it's this.
A close second would be my inability to keep my space relatively clean.
So goal #2 is:
Keep my room 90% clean, 90% of the time.
Why only 90% of the time?
Just trying to be realistic. This room will NOT be clean during midterms/finals.
I'm not trying to give myself a loophole though. Achieving this goal would be a HUGE step up for me.
So my goal for 2007?
Be on time/timely for everything.
This encompasses a lot of things for me, not just getting to a place on time. This means answering emails/returning phone calls in a timely manner. This means starting my projects/assignments/research on time. This means taking care of things when they should be taken care of. But of course, it also means if I say I'll meet you at 9pm, I should BE there at 9pm. This hasn't been a problem for me when I'm on campus, but back home when not everything is a 5-15 minute walk, I have a hard time starting to get ready early enough to leave the house and get somewhere ON TIME.
If I had to pick one thing about myself that I detest the most, it's this.
A close second would be my inability to keep my space relatively clean.
So goal #2 is:
Keep my room 90% clean, 90% of the time.
Why only 90% of the time?
Just trying to be realistic. This room will NOT be clean during midterms/finals.
I'm not trying to give myself a loophole though. Achieving this goal would be a HUGE step up for me.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Crossroads... What the hell do I do?
I'm an ambivalent 20 year old with pipe dreams. I know this, my boyfriend of over 5 years knows this, and it's about time a decision is made. Sometimes it's obvious to me what the decision must be, but other times I'm scared to death that I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. I'm in love with P and he's in love with me, but we're not in fantasy land anymore. This isn't the first month or the first year. This is the real thing. Either I give up my pipe-dreams and commit my whole life to P, or... I don't.
It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.
This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.
As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.
It's easy to say from the outside that if we really love each other then our relationship can make it through anything. What that really means is that if I love P enough I would give up my risky undertakings and certain aspects of my life in order to make it work. What that means is that I shouldn't be trying to start a startup with a guy I barely know. That means thoughts of Buddhism in Thailand and volunteering for the Peace Corps shouldn't be entering my mind. That means I shouldn't think about making any plans to travel anywhere without P. In fact, I should be in NY right now with P, not "wasting" a summer on research and startups and taekwondo.
This is me admitting that through my actions, I have already broken something sacred in our relationship and made a decision that hasn't been spoken out loud. This is me admitting that my love of life ... my selfishness? ... is stronger than my love for P. It hurts me to say that, but without admitting it to myself first, I could never reason about it or try to understand why I have made the decisions that I have made. Subconsciously it must be that either I really don't understand what I would be losing if I lost P or... worse... it's that I don't believe it's the most important thing to me right now.
As much as I hate to admit that age and experience plays a role in this decision, I can't keep lying to myself. I've never loved another man. I've never been loved by another man. I've never been with anyone but P in any way. P is more than just my boyfriend, he is my best friend, my companion. And because of all this, I don't know if I'll ever find another man who will ever love me the same way or if I will be able to love another man the same way I love P... but on the other hand, I don't know that I won't. All I know is that I can't imagine it, and that scares me.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
When I was a boy...
Reading this article made me realize why it was that I stuck it out in math and science - because I was a boy in middle school.
Not literally, but socially and physically I did not begin to gain feminine qualities until the 8th grade or so, maybe even later. I wore baggy clothes, I hadn't hit puberty, I played sports, and I hung around with my brother and his friends. Until the 8th grade I refuuuuused to shop in the girls section. I despised all things feminine and prided myself on the fact that my brother's friends all used to tell me how much like a boy I was.
Now you might ask, what the hell does that have to do with math and science? Well, just think about it - my female middle school counterparts entered the phase of lip gloss, skin tight jeans, boyband obsessions, and crushes. Suddenly, they cared about their image - they wanted boys to like them. Did I want boys to like me? Sure, but I wanted them to respect me in a different sense - as an equal. I hated girly girls - I thought they were boring and stupid. I prided myself on being able to do more push-ups than my brother, on my basketball skills, my bruises from climbing trees, and all other unfeminine things.
In fact, until I met a boy at sleepaway camp the summer before 8th grade, my parents were afraid that I didn't like boys at all - that I'd grow up to be a lesbian. (Now, I don't know how they would get that idea - I despised girls!)
By the time I hit puberty I was at a math and science high school surrounded by a very non-judgemental atmosphere. Everyone there was a nerd in one sense or another, everyone was smart - I didn't have to try to fit in.
I remember this one girl in middle school who was every bit as smart as I was (her final average was only 4 tenths of a point below mine, something she would never let me live down). She had an obsession with Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and spent lunchtime chit chatting with her girlfriends about boybands and lip gloss. She was real smart, but she never spoke up in class. The teachers only knew her from her great exam scores and stellar papers. And that is what made the difference.
I really believe that my late-blooming saved me. If I had thought of myself as a female in middle school, I would have taken cues from everyone around me as to what was feminine and what wasn't. Speaking up in class was not feminine, answering and asking questions was not feminine. Doing well in math and science sure as hell wasn't feminine. The expectations were there, I just ignored them because I didn't associate myself with girls. So maybe I was a little bit of a "show-off" in middle school. Not too much, but enough for me to gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself. People told me I was smart and I started to believe them. (And don't tell me that people don't have to be told they're smart to know that they are - it's just not true. People form an image of themselves first and foremost through the reflection of themselves in the eyes of others).
And that's the story.
Not literally, but socially and physically I did not begin to gain feminine qualities until the 8th grade or so, maybe even later. I wore baggy clothes, I hadn't hit puberty, I played sports, and I hung around with my brother and his friends. Until the 8th grade I refuuuuused to shop in the girls section. I despised all things feminine and prided myself on the fact that my brother's friends all used to tell me how much like a boy I was.
Now you might ask, what the hell does that have to do with math and science? Well, just think about it - my female middle school counterparts entered the phase of lip gloss, skin tight jeans, boyband obsessions, and crushes. Suddenly, they cared about their image - they wanted boys to like them. Did I want boys to like me? Sure, but I wanted them to respect me in a different sense - as an equal. I hated girly girls - I thought they were boring and stupid. I prided myself on being able to do more push-ups than my brother, on my basketball skills, my bruises from climbing trees, and all other unfeminine things.
In fact, until I met a boy at sleepaway camp the summer before 8th grade, my parents were afraid that I didn't like boys at all - that I'd grow up to be a lesbian. (Now, I don't know how they would get that idea - I despised girls!)
By the time I hit puberty I was at a math and science high school surrounded by a very non-judgemental atmosphere. Everyone there was a nerd in one sense or another, everyone was smart - I didn't have to try to fit in.
I remember this one girl in middle school who was every bit as smart as I was (her final average was only 4 tenths of a point below mine, something she would never let me live down). She had an obsession with Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and spent lunchtime chit chatting with her girlfriends about boybands and lip gloss. She was real smart, but she never spoke up in class. The teachers only knew her from her great exam scores and stellar papers. And that is what made the difference.
I really believe that my late-blooming saved me. If I had thought of myself as a female in middle school, I would have taken cues from everyone around me as to what was feminine and what wasn't. Speaking up in class was not feminine, answering and asking questions was not feminine. Doing well in math and science sure as hell wasn't feminine. The expectations were there, I just ignored them because I didn't associate myself with girls. So maybe I was a little bit of a "show-off" in middle school. Not too much, but enough for me to gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself. People told me I was smart and I started to believe them. (And don't tell me that people don't have to be told they're smart to know that they are - it's just not true. People form an image of themselves first and foremost through the reflection of themselves in the eyes of others).
And that's the story.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
The next step in blogging... Yikes
I received this e-mail today regarding my personal blog (not this one).
That blog was not linked in any way to my school related activities (meaning they had to do some online snooping to find it). This makes me feel a little strange.
[Names changed for privacy are in italics.]
-------------------------------------
Hi LeMiL,
I work in MOOMOO School's Communications Office. We're considering linking to a couple of student blogs that could help prospective students get more of an idea of what it's like to be an engineering major at MOOMOO.
Are you, in fact, majoring in engineering, and do you plan to keep blogging about your MOOMOO experience?
If we did link to your blog, you would maintain total control over what you write, but we would reserve the right to remove the link depending on the appropriateness and/or relevance of the content that you feature.
Any thoughts about this idea?
-some lady
---
some lady
Director of Public Information
& Web Managing Editor
MOOMOO School of Engineering
MOOMOO College
------------------------------------------------------
The strangest thing is that I responded saying that I didn't really object to being linked to, but that I wouldn't necessarily conform to any relevant content in my blog. If my blog actually winds up getting linked, I think I'd feel rather self-conscious about it...
That blog was not linked in any way to my school related activities (meaning they had to do some online snooping to find it). This makes me feel a little strange.
[Names changed for privacy are in italics.]
-------------------------------------
Hi LeMiL,
I work in MOOMOO School's Communications Office. We're considering linking to a couple of student blogs that could help prospective students get more of an idea of what it's like to be an engineering major at MOOMOO.
Are you, in fact, majoring in engineering, and do you plan to keep blogging about your MOOMOO experience?
If we did link to your blog, you would maintain total control over what you write, but we would reserve the right to remove the link depending on the appropriateness and/or relevance of the content that you feature.
Any thoughts about this idea?
-some lady
---
some lady
Director of Public Information
& Web Managing Editor
MOOMOO School of Engineering
MOOMOO College
------------------------------------------------------
The strangest thing is that I responded saying that I didn't really object to being linked to, but that I wouldn't necessarily conform to any relevant content in my blog. If my blog actually winds up getting linked, I think I'd feel rather self-conscious about it...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
To Write
I'd like to write, I mean REALLY write, not just blog. I don't mean write novels or even short stories, but just write from my heart and then be able to read over my thoughts and laugh, or cry or just think. I want to write poetry that captures who I am, but at the same time leaves mysteries. I want to experience the flow of having something to say and exactly the words to say it. It doesn't have to be timeless, just enough for the present. Enough for me to enjoy it. To keep a notebook or some folder on my laptop full of little pieces of writing that remind me of myself and how I'm changing, growing, and thinking.
I am thinking, aren't I?
I am thinking, aren't I?
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